Everclear

Dale Swanson 01-06-2007

Introduction

Everclear, better known as "The Elixir of the Gods", is well regarded as the finest creation of the human race. Shockingly though, there are some nay-sayers out there who don't see it that way. I've written this to show why it is the perfect alcohol, plain and simple.

Background

If you don't know, Everclear is 190 proof (95%) corn based grain alcohol. It's basically the strongest (and yummiest) liquor you can buy. The reason why it's only 95% is that is the maximum percentage you can get with normal distilling. It is made by the Sherman Company, truly gods among men.

My Introduction

I first met Everclear at a party, a party where I ran out of my standard vodka early. Someone told me they had a half a bottle or so upstairs from a previous party, and that I could have some of that. I was hesitant at first, the bottle's warnings staring me right in the face, but progress has never been made by listening to warnings. So I poured some in a cup, took a shot, and chased it with some orange juice (I think), and so it began. From that day on I've very rarely drank anything else, and was never happy about it.

Cost

Cost is the first and most obvious reason. I can get a 375ml bottle of Everclear for about 8 bucks. That's 356 ml's of pure alcohol, or about 20 standard drinks, for 8 bucks. This makes Everclear the most cost effective alcohol out there. It usually takes me half a bottle to get drunk, so that's about 4 bucks to be drunk. I know people spend more than that on a single drink, fools.

Effectiveness

Everclear is also the most effective liquor out there. It's got nothing in it to slow you down, or get in your way. As you probably know drinking on a empty stomach gets you drunk faster. Well when you drink something that is mostly non alcohol you are basically eating while drinking. Your stomach has to waste time absorbing all that other crap you are taking in, and thus has less time for its primary purpose, absorbing alcohol. This has the result of if you drink the same amount of alcohol in Everclear form and some other lesser form the Everclear form will have a greater effect.

Fast

This could be combined with effectiveness but it is different. Since Everclear is so potent you only need to drink small amounts at a time, yet it is still highly effective. I often feel the effects of Everclear after the first shot, and if I'm in a hurry I can easily be drunk as a skunk in half a hour. Since you spend less time actually drinking it leaves you with more time to do the things you love, like arguing over everything, and making people hate you.

Size

Since Everclear is so concentrated you don't need a lot of space to store it. The whole bottle easily fits into your pocket, and since it's so small you can easily transfer enough to get you drunk for the whole night into your container of choice, whether that be cup, flask, or hollow peg leg. Everclear has the highest drunk/size ratio of any drink.

Color

Clear is the best color for alcohol, since it is the color of alcohol, any other color lets you know you have some impurity in your drink. Besides being best simply because I say it is, clear is a great color because it can be any color or no color. Everclear can thus be colored to look like any other drink, or just left clear and have it look like water. This along with it's small size allows you to easily smuggle it into any place the "Man" doesn't want you to get drunk, like kindergartens or funerals.

Safety

While Everclear may make you feel safe, and warm, I'm actually talking about the safety of the Everclear here, not you. You can leave your Everclear unattended at some party for hours and it will easily take care of itself. This is more than can be said for other drinks, or small children. Anyone who knows what Everclear is will leave your bottle alone, and anyone that doesn't will soon pay the price.

Pure

With nothing but alcohol or water you know what you are getting. I've heard that sugars and other stuff in drinks are the causes of hangovers, and while I have no idea if this is true or not, I've never let that get in my way before. I can honestly say I've never had a hangover after a night with Everclear. I'm not going to say I felt great, but that's probably more to do with getting 3 hours of sleep on a floor than Everclear.

Other Uses

Unlike other drinks, Everclear has multiple uses. Besides getting you very drunk it can also be used to fuel your car, no modification needed, just pour it in and go. It can also be used when you need fire, as it is highly flammable, and can be used as an effective cleaning agent. The Center for Survival Statistics recently published a report that said Everclear was directly responsible for saving the lives of over 12 billion people last year alone [1].

Taste

Taste is the biggest complaint I hear about Everclear. Well the funny thing is that Everclear doesn't even have a taste, alcohol and water are both tasteless. What most people confuse for a taste is the mild [2] burn you feel when you drink it. The great thing about Everclear is that since it is tasteless you only need to wash it down with some chaser and then you no longer feel the burn. This is opposed to some terrible other liquor where you would still have an after taste, even after washing it down. Also since it isn't a taste you are trying to get rid of you can chase Everclear with simple water.

Ice Cream Sandwich

The Ice Cream Sandwich is the one and only drink you need, as well as the only proper way to drink Everclear, or anything for that matter. In keeping with the spirt of Everclear it is simple and cheap drink.
Requirements:

• Everclear
• Water, preferably tap.
• 2 Red solo "party cups", any cup could work in theory, but it's best to stick with the original.
• Some sort of juice, preferably Wawa [3] Iced Tea of some sort. Again any juice might work, but why mess with perfection?

Procedure:
First fill one of your cups with water, then pour some Everclear into the other cup. The amount you pour is up to you, but I suggest you err on the side of caution the first few times. It should probably be about half a shot glass worth (remember that normal liquor is less than half real alcohol, so you still have more alcohol with half the size), I'd say about a quarter inch. When you tilt the cup 45 degrees the liquid should almost cover the bottom of the cup, if you can understand that. Next you uncap your Wawa Iced Tea, you line up your drinks, from left to right, water cup, Everclear cup, Wawa Iced Tea. Then you take a drink of water, then stop breathing, then the Everclear, then the water again, don't resume breathing until you've swallowed water at least twice, then a sip of Wawa Iced Tea, and you're done. I take a shot every half a hour until I'm drunk (usually about 4 shots), then I reduce it to every hour to maintain drunkenness, until I go to sleep. It's very important you don't breath while drinking the Everclear. The smell of Everclear is about 100 times worst than the taste, and even after taking a small sip of water if you breath out you will still feel the burn in your nose.

Explanation:
Some may ask what the purpose of all these steps are, or why it's called an Ice Cream Sandwich. Well the first sip of water is just to wet your palette or something, the second is obviously to chase the Everclear, the sip of Wawa Iced Tea is optional really, but I find it does help a lot, especially on the first few sober shots. The name was invented by me, while very drunk, the two drinks of water are the two pieces of "bread" in an ice cream sandwich, with the Everclear being the ice cream itself, the Wawa Iced Tea is the cherry on top [4].

Closing Arguments

Well there you have it, I think I've presented Everclear's case pretty well, I feel if Everclear was the defendant in a triple homicide case it'd be walking out of the court room a free drink right now. I hope you see that Everclear is innocent, those 3 babies were all hopped up and had the strength of 10 babies each, Everclear's only option was to stab them a total of 183 times, and hide their bodies in the Nevada desert... Wait what? You really got me off my train of thought, I forget where I was now, thanks a lot.

Notes:
[1] This sentence is completely made up.
[2] By mild I mean intense.
[3] If you don't have Wawas near you you'll have to move.
[4] I'm quite aware ice cream sandwich's don't typically have cherries on top, but I did tell you I was very drunk when coming up with the name.